☆ENGLISH ONLY☆コミュのGUYS !

hello guys !
I have a question from whoever can give me an answer
I have a language exchange partner and he is from England .he is a nice and polite maybe a little bit shy guy
we used to exchange language and that is all between us.its more than 6monthes that we started echanging !
I have a boyfriend who knows I'm doing exchange with that guy .
for me he is just an exchange partner and a nice person.

he invited me to drink together couple of times and I said Ok because it doesnt mean anything for me .
so my first question here is (was I wrong to accept it?)

I was busy for 2 weeks and didnt meet him and tonight I gor n email from him :
"...........wonderede if you wanted to go out sometime.Not necessarily Conversation Exchange just....out."

since we are just exchange partner I've never tell him about my private life my family my job and my boyfriend !(he also never asked me )
my second question is "does it mean a date or somthing?)

I'm kind of girls that get misunderstod easily!
I just found it rude to say anyone that "I have a boyfriend" when he hasn't asked you directly to be with him!(is it just me?!)
I also don't want to feel guity after going out and undertand that it was a date !"
I don't know how should i answer his email?

thank you soooooo much for any help !

コメント(57)

最初
全て
最新の40件

前

[18] mixiユーザー 08月10日 10:35

I agree with most of the previous posts: Sounds like he’s looking for a date. My advice: If you aren’t looking for another boyfriend or having fun on the side or anything, tell the guy that you had a nice time at the pub or whatever, but that you’d prefer to just do the language exchange thing. Then work in that you’ve already a boyfriend. I don’t think anything else is necessary; he should get the idea.
Now, if he persists - - and keeps asking you out, or if you feel any additional pressure, I strongly recommend either telling him that you aren’t comfortable with meeting him anymore, or ignoring him completely, as any further dealing could be poisonous to your relationship.

[20] mixiユーザー 08月10日 21:52

I'm a super shy guy and that is exactly what I once said to a girl I liked and was already friends with. I'm sure he want's to go on a date and seeing you never told him you have a boyfriend he sees no problem asking.

Seeing he is so shy please be nice as it may have taken a LOT of guts to ask. The girl I asked was super nice in her reply, she said "We are great friends now, we don't need anything more" and I was find with that. She is still one of my best friends and I'm happily married now.

Good luck!

[21] mixiユーザー 08月11日 07:21

Clearly this guy wants to take the relationship to the next level and maybe he mistakes your friendship for something else. It's amazing that you've been known a guy for six months and you and he have never mentioned your own personal circumstances isn't it? I have a number of female friends and we talk about everything and anything you could possibly imagine so this kind of gray area situation never arises. Tell him about yourself and what's important in your own life such as your boyfriend and anything else that might be relevant. And while you're at it, why not encourage him to do the same? It seems like he has unrealistic aspirations where you're concerned and the sooner he gets a reality check the better...

Incidentally, I'm also an English guy and I'd definitely classify myself as somewhat reserved as well; maybe it's a national characteristic...

[22] mixiユーザー 08月13日 15:52

THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH for your kind advices
they really helped.
I think it was my fault to being smart enough to bring topic to my personal life and my boyfriend actually I didn't feel that he might be in a date mood .
I'm going to send this email to him

""hey ..
hope you are doing great
yea Im back from Hokkaido
It was realy good to see old friends and my host family

going out sounds a good idea it means we became friends right?
thats great! :)

there is just one thing that I need to say.
unfortunatly there wasnt any chance to talk about it ....actualy Im in a relationship and my partner already knows about our exchange but Im not sure if he is ok with ゛just going out゛ or not

so please let me ask him and back to you later.
have a great weekend.
Megi""

I hope it is soft and polite enough !

Thank you again
have a great Obon Yasumi
xxx

[23] mixiユーザー 08月13日 19:33

I bet you just broke this guys heart..... Some women can be very naive. He was probably already in love with you. But hey.. that`s his problem, right? Life can be so un-fare. Most guys can`t just be friends if there is any type of attraction between you. English teachers, language exchange partners etc... are all set ups for someone getting hurt. Never mix business with pleasure. It almost always ends in trouble.

[24] mixiユーザー 08月13日 20:57

heh yep I agree, guy's heart would be broken!

I agree exactly with TokyoOG..basically what I was going to write

[26] mixiユーザー 08月13日 21:36

megi,
i think you'd better not do that.
can you go out with your boyfriend and your nice and cute girlfriend to introduce him instead of you gonna hurt him.

[27] mixiユーザー 08月13日 21:48

Yeah, he wants a date.
(note: I think a lot of people that say they want a 'language excahange' are really looking for a date)

You weren't wrong to accept drinks with him, if it was right after you had been studying together.

Otherwise you have probably given him the wrong idea, especially if you went drinking with him and didn't tell him that you already had a boyfriend.

Your problem is what will you do now?
It might be a bit awkard to be around each other.
But, if you are good friends and good study partners, then you should at least try to talk through it IMO.

Good Luck!

[29] mixiユーザー 08月13日 22:04

I didn't think tht it would break his heart !
I dont want to do that!

I want to say it in the softest way !
cause I feel guilty about being naive and didn't notice his feeling earlier !
well,its almost 6days after he sent that email and I didn't find any good way to reply him
could you guys who found it heart broken give me some advice to write a better answer!
as I said before he is very nice polite and gentleman!
how about just don't tell him anything and just invite him to a party on saturaday which we already arranged it with my boyfriend ?
there are some single friends there and maybe...I don't know !I'm just so confused !

thx guys for telling me that it might hurt him !I just was about to send it tonigt !

[33] mixiユーザー 08月14日 04:53

Well, I think the content of your email is fine; it's friendly but still leaves him in no doubt as to where he stands. There's no doubt that he'll be disappointed, probably not heartbroken but he'll get over it and move on.

I don't know if you want to polish the English a bit, but other than that I think you let him down gently but firmly--great job!!

[35] mixiユーザー 08月14日 11:48

Language Exchange huh huh

[37] mixiユーザー 08月14日 12:14

If it's been 6 days since he sent you that mail and you haven't replied to him yet, he probably already got the idea.

You need to send him something...I think the email you composed before was just fine. You have to break it to him somehow. If you have any single friends, I think it'd be nice to introduce them to him.

Anyway, from now on, if you do things in a one on one situation with a guy who's not your bf, it might be wise to make it clear from the beginning that you are in a relationship to avoid hurting the guy later.

[38] mixiユーザー 08月14日 20:16

hello guys

I finally sent him the email I composed before.
He seems totally understand and accept it !
he wrote me that it would be great if we can still be friends!
everything went well I think !

Thank you guys !
Love this community&it's member
thank you all!

[39] mixiユーザー 08月17日 13:51

25>
Right on.
Y'know what? If such a trifling thing breaks his heart, well: at some point in our lives, we all have to deal with reciprocated affection. Which is why I voted for being direct.
Seriously, though: IMHO, there are only two reasons men do the "language exchange" thing with a member of the opposite sex: they are keen on learning the language, or they are keen on trying to get laid. It's tough to distinguish between the two. And, as there is a bit of a language barrier in the first place, being blunt is absolutely the best, if you have no intention of having anything else with the other person.

[40] mixiユーザー 08月17日 14:18

I need to say I didn't really read the whole conversation thread, but easiest is to talk about your boyfriend casually.

For example: If he asks you which night to go out, just say You're not sure if you need to have dinner with your boyfriend or not. If you're free you'll let him know later.

That way, it sounds like you still want to go out with him, but you're also bringing up the fact that you have a boyfriend without him asking. He can still go out with you and he doesn't need to do anything stupid.... if he's smart.

[41] mixiユーザー 08月17日 14:24

@千望詩

language exchange another way to say dating.

English teacher is another way of saying cheap male host.

Foreigners can learn Japanese absolutely anywhere anytime in Japan. Why the need to make a special arrangement unless the foreigner is looking for something else as well.

The reality is Japanese use the phrase "language exchange" like a talking parrot.

Arrrk Eigo eigo eigo...Teach me eigo eigo eigo.

The Japanese are selfish and are just looking for free English lessons. The foreigners have their own different interests. Foreigners are always thinking about both sides interests in order to make a deal that is fair for both parties. Japanese are just looking out for #1.

So Megi is just playing that British guy like a chump because she knows she can get away with it. The Chump should follow the "three strikes your out rule". It's just a guildline, it usually only takes one meeting (i call it an interview) to sniff out whether the Japanese person is a selfish parasite (i.e eigo bandit).

Eventually foreigners get thicker shells. Realizing the Japanese are not interested in being friends, only getting what they want. So then foreigners, take a page out of the Japanese play book, and just look out for #1.

This is why i'd recommend foreigners to try have more foreigner friends in Japan.

Pursuing learning Japanese is a fools errand. You spend all your time in study while neglecting earning a solid living. All the Japanophiles I know had to leave Japan. Japanese won't hire you for a good position no matter how good your Japanese is. So what is the point?

[43] mixiユーザー 08月17日 15:00

>>41

You seem to be shooting for cynicism but you've hit bitterness. It's easy to make proper Japanese friends who don't just want to talk english all the time; just try only ever speaking Japanese to the Japanese people you meet. Works a treat.

If you can't manage to do that you're not qualified to complain.

Oh and getting hired for a good position was pretty easy even when my Japanese was much worse than now - perhaps if you try having qualifications and experience other than the giddy heights of eikaiwa, you might be more employable.

[44] mixiユーザー 08月17日 15:05

41>
When I was living in Gifu, I met a Turk who had just opened a restaurant; we ended up having a chat one night, and his eyes gleamed when he said he'd finally had the Japanese working for _him_ instead of the other way around.
Talking parrots? Yep..though fortunately parrots get paid decently in this country. (I don't believe in the efficacy of eikaiwa as a means to learn English; I side more with the psychologists who prescribe it as a course of therapy.) However, if you're still teaching the eigo on a contractual basis past the age of 30, unless you're making some decent money, I think you'd best be marrying a rich Japanese.
Leading onto point #2. Best way of teaching rich Japanese? Teach at an eikaiwa. Gaba or Berlitz or wherever the chat is expensive. Call me a cynic, but when I had taught in eikaiwa, I would regard myself as one of the more professional instructors out there (i.e. I taught relevant lessons; was thoroughly keen on teaching students and honing my own abilities and methods to convey understanding; and I didn't show up to work late, or drunk, or whatever). Many of the students that I had were more interested in having a kind of tea-time chat than in improving their own language skills. And many of the male teachers were more interested in pulling students and putting the "cunning" in "linguis" than in doing much else. Most of those people, thankfully, were pushed out after the demise of Nova.
But, yeah: language exchange? Pretext for safely getting to know someone before dating them. The Japanese tend to be "naive" to this point, and the foreigners tend to be as well. That said, I would say there is a minority of people who are shy and need a crutch; hence instead of trying to chat up people around their community (where chattor would most likely be viewed with suspicion by the chattee), advertising online or wherever for "exchange" does seem a decent option. Provided there is some sort of base understanding to avoid conflict down the road.
As for staying here long-term: unless you're doing something worthwhile, it's career suicide; I'm still digging my way out. Japan's a wonderful siren's call, though, init.

[45] mixiユーザー 08月17日 15:59

How would you feel if your boy went out with a girl like that?

If you feel guilty about anything, maybe you shouldn't do it in the first place

[46] mixiユーザー 08月17日 16:22

OT but:

Noone likes to feel used.

I've reached the stage where I only want to communicate in English when my Japanese fails.

You could argue that it's selfish that I only want to speak in Japanese, and I would counter with "when in Rome, do as the Romans do".

Japanese is harder to learn living in a big city in Japan than learning English in London/NY etc, simply because so many people can or want to speak English.

I'm considering moving out to the sticks, where there are arguably less English speakers.

[47] mixiユーザー 08月17日 16:34

46>
Moving to the sticks certainly has its advantages; when I did just that, I found I did a lot of the lingual arm-wrestling that occurs when people are more interested in a free English lesson and less interesting than having a meaningful conversation. The nice thing, also, is that while people in the boonies do have a bit of a narrower mindset in some ways, they also tend not to give as much of a regard to English. Why? No need for it, as in the city.

[48] mixiユーザー 08月17日 16:56

(46> BTW, my whole aim in coming to this country was to learn more about the people, their culture, and their language. I was quite shocked, and even sorely disappointed, in having people here be far less than eager to communicate with me in their own language--whereas doing just that would be a given in most other countries. The issue of learning Japanese would seem to be compounded by the lack of people who would have you do in their country what they do. I pray you keep your upbeat perspective, challenge yourself in this most fascinating language, and forge ahead with tenacious audacity.)

[50] mixiユーザー 08月19日 15:46

49>
Well, you do live in Aichi, hey? They're a little nicer there. . .must be the South American influence ;-)

[51] mixiユーザー 08月19日 15:46

you know what?? just hang out with that boy.

why not?! If you can promiss you and that boy never happened anything,
just hang out.

If I were you, I would hang out with that boy, and I will tell my BF anything.

[54] mixiユーザー 08月19日 23:47

Exchange?
Unless you both have a clear agenda of what you are exchanging you might as well say your friends or dating. Exchange sounds kind of specific or professional, when in actuality what is going on is socializing. People misuse this term a lot. I guess it's an easy way for a guy to meet girls, or should I say exchange partners...

[55] mixiユーザー 08月20日 09:28

54>>

Kudos.

[57] mixiユーザー 08月31日 01:05

I assume this drink is going to take place at night. Yes? Well then if you're interested in him in a friendly way, why don't u ask him out for tea instead. Talk ,talk, talk, then a walk in a park or down town.See if he's someone comfortable hanging during the day & sober.

If he tries to make a move, turn ur head, step back and tell him no. If u need to u can mention ur BF. U can even tell him that over tea.

I hope things turn out alright anyway.

ログインすると、残り30件のコメントが見れるよ