Trevor Noah: (53:02)
Wow. That was pretty fantastic. One more time for President Biden, please. That was really great. I got a promise I will not be going to jail. I’ll switch things up now. Let’s see how we do this. How’s everybody doing tonight? You guys good? Everyone good? First of all, thank you so much, Steve. Good evening, Mr. President, First Lady, members of the media, and all the men relieved that Ronan Farrow isn’t here tonight. It is my great honor to be speaking tonight at the nation’s most distinguished super spreader event.
(53:41)
No, for real, people, what are we doing here? Let’s be honest. What are we doing? Did none of you learn anything from the Gridiron Dinner? Nothing, huh? It’s like do you read any of your own newspapers? I mean I expect this from Sean Hannity. But the rest of you, what are you doing here? You guys spent the last two years telling everyone the importance of wearing masks and avoiding large indoor gatherings. Then the second someone offers you a free dinner, you all turn into Joe Rogan. I mean Dr. Fauci dropped out. That should have been a pretty big sign. Fauci thought it was too dangerous to come tonight. Pete Davidson thinks it’s okay, and we all went with Pete. Okay. All right then. (54:25)
Now, for those who don’t know me, my name is Trevor Noah, and I’m really honored to be here, honestly, because you could have picked any comedian. You could have invited anyone, but you went with the South African variant, very on theme. I appreciate that. COVID risk aside, can I just say how happy I am that this event is happening again for the first time in three years? Yeah. The truth is I want us all to have a good time tonight. So please, everyone relax. I know everyone in this room is worried about who catches you laughing at what. But just chill. Just chill.(55:02)
We’re celebrating. We’re out. Get comfortable. Not too comfortable, Jeffrey Toobin, not too comfortable. No, you know what? No, don’t ooh him, a bunch of haters. You know what? So what, Jeffrey. You made a mistake. You whipped it out in front of your coworkers. That’s the first step to winning a Grammy for comedy album of the year. You’re halfway there, my friend. You don’t let the haters stop you. We all come back from mistakes.
(55:26)
Now, you might have noticed I’m going to be telling some jokes tonight. But I want you to understand I am not here to tear anybody down. Okay? Yeah, I might roast you gently like a pair of testicles on a Tucker Carson special, but I’m not doing this just for the attention. All right? I’m a comedian. I’m not Kyrsten Sinema. All right? By the way, give it up for Kyrsten Sinema. Whoever thought we’d see the day in American politics when a senator could be openly bisexual, but a closeted Republican. That’s progress. That’s progress. Yes, I know a lot of you are worried. Yes, it is risky making jokes these days. I mean we all saw what happened at the Oscars. I’ve actually been a little bit worried about tonight. I won’t lie. I was like, “What if I make a really mean joke about Kellyanne Conway and then her husband rushes up on the stage and thanks me?” I just hope we all stay calm because it is exciting to be here, even though some people don’t think this dinner should even exist, as you said, Mr. President, because some people think this shows that the media is too cozy with politicians.
(56:38)
But what those people don’t understand is that you guys have integrity. You would never allow personal connections to affect your ability to be good journalists. Isn’t that right, Chris Cuomo? Where is Chris, by the way? Is he here? Couldn’t make it? Oh, by the way, before we really get going, a few quick announcements. Anyone here who is a Democrat in a swing district, I’ve been asked to remind you not to hand your resumé to the cable news execs at your table until after the event, please. Thank you very much. Also, a quick note before people order their Uber’s home tonight, Governor Greg Abbott is generously providing free buses for the Telemundo table. Very classy, very classy.
(57:25)
But, man, what a room this is, huh? Look at this room. Everyone is here tonight. We’ve got politicians. We’ve got the media. We’ve got celebrities, basically anyone who’s been to Jeffrey Epstein’s island. This is an exclusive event. In fact, coming in, I heard Meghan McCain telling the bouncer, “Do you know who my father was?” And they were like, “You have a ticket. You can just come in.” But she insisted on telling them who her father was anyway.
(57:52)
I’ll tell you as somebody coming from Africa, I mean I’ve just got to say this is so exciting to be at this swanky party full of Washington’s most powerful people. It’s not as exciting as Madison Cawthorn made it sound, but still very sexy, very, very sexy. There’s many big names here tonight. One of my favorites, Ron DeSantis is here. Yeah, yeah. Oh man, I’m actually surprised that he found the time. He’s been so busy trying to outmaneuver Trump for 2024. I see you, Ron. I see you, player. Yeah. I’ve seen what you’ve been doing, blaming Trump for the lockdowns, distancing yourself from the vaccines that Trump created with his own two hands. (58:28)
“Nobody knew how to make vaccines until I made them, beautiful, beautiful vaccines. Nobody know how, not even Fauci.” But Ron is playing it coy, man. He won’t even tell people if he got the booster. Or as they say in Florida, don’t ask, don’t tell. Am I right? I see you, Ron. You see, what I like about Ron DeSantis is if Trump was the original Terminator, DeSantis is the T-1000. You’re smarter than him. You’re slicker than him. You can walk down ramps. Because, you see, Trump said he won the election, but everyone was just able to look at the numbers and see that he was wrong. (59:15)
That’s why Ron DeSantis is one step ahead. First, you ban the math textbooks, then nobody knows how to count the votes. Boom, my man. Ha ha ha. What a room. Are you kidding me? The great chef, José Andrés, is joining us here tonight. Give it up for him, people, my good friend in the room. Whenever there’s a disaster anywhere in the world, Chef José is there, which I guess is why he’s sitting at the CNN table tonight.
(59:50)
Now, of course, the real reason that it’s such an honor to be here tonight is that we all get to be in the same room as the most powerful man in the United States. So let’s give it up for Joe Manchin, everybody. Where is he? Is he there? Good to see you, sir. Good to see you. No, for real, for real though, Mr. President, thank you for being here. Thank you for having me here. I was a little confused about why me, but then I was told that you get your highest approval ratings when a biracial African guy is standing next to you.
(01:00:17)
“So let me just say, Joe, I’m glad that I could do my part and, hopefully, this will work.” I’m not actually him. I just did the voice. More importantly, First Lady, Dr. Jill Biden is here, everybody. Give it up for her. Interesting fact, even as First Lady, Dr. Biden continued her teaching career. the first time a presidential spouse has ever done so, ever. Congratulations. Now, you might think it’s because she loves teaching so much, but it’s actually because she’s still paying off her student debt. I’m sorry about that, Jill. Yeah, I guess you should have voted for Bernie. (01:01:08)
Sir, can I just say? I think everyone will agree that it’s actually nice to, once again, have a president who’s not afraid to come to the White House Correspondents Dinner and hear jokes about himself. I’ll be honest. I’ll be honest. I’ll be honest. If you didn’t come, I totally would have understood because these people have been so hard on you, which I don’t get. I really don’t. I think ever since you’ve come into office, things are really looking up. Gas is up. Rent is up. Food is up. Everything.
(01:01:41)
No, it really has been a tough first year for you, Mr. President. Surely, you must be a little worried about 2024. There’s a lot of passion on the Republican side. There really is. It’s going to be an interesting time. As you all know, President Biden’s lack of a filter does get him into hot water sometimes. Last month he caused a huge international incident saying that Vladimir Putin should be removed from power. It was very, very upsetting to Russia. Until someone explained to them that none of the stuff Biden wants actually gets done.
(01:02:25)
But despite some hiccups, President Biden has led the country through some really dark times since he took office, the COVID pandemic, the war in Ukraine, the launch of CNN+. Don’t forget. Don’t forget. Don’t forget. He’s also had some major legislative successes in his first year in office, I might add. He got a bipartisan infrastructure bill passed that would do everything from fixing America’s roads and bridges to modernizing school buses, which Matt Gaetz’ girlfriend is very excited about. Don’t boo love.
(01:03:00)
Don’t boo love. Not to mention no President in my memory has given more marginalized groups opportunities. I’m talking about women, the LGBTQ community, the Taliban, the list goes on and on. And I know, Mr. President, that the left is super upset at you, but I think that they should be happy to know that you just recently announced that you’re proposing a new 20% minimum tax on the super wealthy. And I will say President Biden, that you are a big man here, a really big man. You could have targeted Donald Trump, but instead you chose to only raise taxes on billionaires. That was big of you. Really nice. Proved me wrong. Show me the taxes.(01:03:44)
Personally, I think that President Biden could do a better job of taking credit for the things that are going right. Unemployment is currently at 3.6%. Think about that people, 3.6%. 2% if you don’t count the Cuomo family. And I will say, President Biden came into office and he’s done well and he’s done badly. And in this room, I know there’s a lot of mixed reviews. There was a lot of talk about how the President really respects the press, but what has he really done for you guys? Think of all the journalists whose careers have been hurt by the Biden presidency. People like Daniel Dale. Used to be CNN’s star fact checker on TV every day. But, now there’s barely anything to check.(01:04:26)
Same for Glen Kessler of the Washington Post. On the way here, I saw him on the street offering four Pinocchios for a dollar. Mr. President, that’s on you.
(01:04:34)
And what about Maggie Haberman? For four years, it was exclusives. On the Russia investigation, corruption. The President doesn’t read his daily briefings. On and on. Now look at her. She spends all day fighting with random people on Twitter like a common political reporter. You’ve ruined her Mr. President.
(01:04:59)
Now, of course, President Biden doesn’t often have to deal with the media directly. Yes. That task falls to Press Secretary Jen Psaki. Yes. Glad you could make it tonight. Really glad you could make it tonight, Jen. It’s nice that you’re willing to come over here and risk getting COVID for like what? The 10th time now? Let me ask, how do you keep getting COVID, Jen? Your boss hooked us all up with free tests. Does he not have your address? Going on there?
(01:05:26)
The word on the streets is actually that Jen Psaki is going to MSNBC next month. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Apparently, just being on CSPAN, the ratings were too high and she wanted more of a challenge. Wanted switch things up. She can’t laugh at that. Don’t put the camera on her. If it’s true, congratulations to Jen on your big career change. But, moving to MSNBC is going to be a big switch up for you because right now your current job is to make the Biden administration look as good as possible at all costs. Now, you’re going to be at MSNBC and you’re going to have to… You’ll be fine actually. Sorry.
(01:05:59)
I don’t even know why I apologize. By the way, MSNBC, can I just say you guys are doing great work? Yeah. I love watching your shows. When Trump was in office, your shows were all about how bad he was. And now that Biden’s in office, your shows are all about how bad Trump was. Consistency is important. We appreciate that. We really do.
(01:06:20)
Also, shout out to Joe and Mika. Yeah. I love you guys. Most adorable HR violation in town. I love it. So adorable. What? And that’s why we’re really here people. We’re here to honor the media. Yeah. So, first and foremost, let’s give it up for the White House press pool. Let’s give it up for them please.
(01:06:40)
You guys are relentless. Every day you show up and every day you demand answers on the pressing issues of the day. And then Fox News asks about Hunter Biden. And I’ll be honest though. I actually think that’s a good thing. I really do. I think people need to be held accountable if they’re using their dad’s name to get ahead in life. And I can’t think of anyone better to ask about that than Peter Doocy. Yeah. Wherever he is. Chris Wallace laughed at that joke.
(01:07:18)
But, you see the real purpose of tonight is to honor some of the country’s best political journalists. People like Abby Philip. [inaudible 01:07:24]. Right. And Mick Mulvaney. I actually get why CBS hired Mick Mulvaney. I get it. He’s more than just the guy who assured everyone that Donald Trump would concede gracefully. No, he can also get you access to other people who assured you that Donald Trump would concede very gracefully. It’s very important.
(01:07:45)
So, shout out to CBS, my corporate cousin. You can actually find us on Paramount Plus. Yes. Right between SpongeBob Squarepants and a bunch of movies that even Delta’s in-flight entertainment system turned down.
(01:07:55)
But, I don’t want to dwell on that. I don’t want to dwell on Mick Mulvaney. When we have so many other great journalists here tonight. We got Anderson Cooper in the house, man. We got Rachel Maddow. We got Don Lemon. We got Shepherd Smith. And so many other huge talents who can no longer be mentioned in Florida public schools. I see you Rhonda [inaudible 01:08:12]. What’s going on, baby? Oh man.
Wow. That was pretty fantastic. One more time for President Biden, please. That was really great. I got a promise I will not be going to jail. I’ll switch things up now. Let’s see how we do this. How’s everybody doing tonight? You guys good? Everyone good? First of all, thank you so much, Steve. Good evening, Mr. President, First Lady, members of the media, and all the men relieved that Ronan Farrow isn’t here tonight. It is my great honor to be speaking tonight at the nation’s most distinguished super spreader event.
(53:41)
No, for real, people, what are we doing here? Let’s be honest. What are we doing? Did none of you learn anything from the Gridiron Dinner? Nothing, huh? It’s like do you read any of your own newspapers? I mean I expect this from Sean Hannity. But the rest of you, what are you doing here? You guys spent the last two years telling everyone the importance of wearing masks and avoiding large indoor gatherings. Then the second someone offers you a free dinner, you all turn into Joe Rogan. I mean Dr. Fauci dropped out. That should have been a pretty big sign. Fauci thought it was too dangerous to come tonight. Pete Davidson thinks it’s okay, and we all went with Pete. Okay. All right then. (54:25)
Now, for those who don’t know me, my name is Trevor Noah, and I’m really honored to be here, honestly, because you could have picked any comedian. You could have invited anyone, but you went with the South African variant, very on theme. I appreciate that. COVID risk aside, can I just say how happy I am that this event is happening again for the first time in three years? Yeah. The truth is I want us all to have a good time tonight. So please, everyone relax. I know everyone in this room is worried about who catches you laughing at what. But just chill. Just chill.(55:02)
We’re celebrating. We’re out. Get comfortable. Not too comfortable, Jeffrey Toobin, not too comfortable. No, you know what? No, don’t ooh him, a bunch of haters. You know what? So what, Jeffrey. You made a mistake. You whipped it out in front of your coworkers. That’s the first step to winning a Grammy for comedy album of the year. You’re halfway there, my friend. You don’t let the haters stop you. We all come back from mistakes.
(55:26)
Now, you might have noticed I’m going to be telling some jokes tonight. But I want you to understand I am not here to tear anybody down. Okay? Yeah, I might roast you gently like a pair of testicles on a Tucker Carson special, but I’m not doing this just for the attention. All right? I’m a comedian. I’m not Kyrsten Sinema. All right? By the way, give it up for Kyrsten Sinema. Whoever thought we’d see the day in American politics when a senator could be openly bisexual, but a closeted Republican. That’s progress. That’s progress. Yes, I know a lot of you are worried. Yes, it is risky making jokes these days. I mean we all saw what happened at the Oscars. I’ve actually been a little bit worried about tonight. I won’t lie. I was like, “What if I make a really mean joke about Kellyanne Conway and then her husband rushes up on the stage and thanks me?” I just hope we all stay calm because it is exciting to be here, even though some people don’t think this dinner should even exist, as you said, Mr. President, because some people think this shows that the media is too cozy with politicians.
(56:38)
But what those people don’t understand is that you guys have integrity. You would never allow personal connections to affect your ability to be good journalists. Isn’t that right, Chris Cuomo? Where is Chris, by the way? Is he here? Couldn’t make it? Oh, by the way, before we really get going, a few quick announcements. Anyone here who is a Democrat in a swing district, I’ve been asked to remind you not to hand your resumé to the cable news execs at your table until after the event, please. Thank you very much. Also, a quick note before people order their Uber’s home tonight, Governor Greg Abbott is generously providing free buses for the Telemundo table. Very classy, very classy.
(57:25)
But, man, what a room this is, huh? Look at this room. Everyone is here tonight. We’ve got politicians. We’ve got the media. We’ve got celebrities, basically anyone who’s been to Jeffrey Epstein’s island. This is an exclusive event. In fact, coming in, I heard Meghan McCain telling the bouncer, “Do you know who my father was?” And they were like, “You have a ticket. You can just come in.” But she insisted on telling them who her father was anyway.
(57:52)
I’ll tell you as somebody coming from Africa, I mean I’ve just got to say this is so exciting to be at this swanky party full of Washington’s most powerful people. It’s not as exciting as Madison Cawthorn made it sound, but still very sexy, very, very sexy. There’s many big names here tonight. One of my favorites, Ron DeSantis is here. Yeah, yeah. Oh man, I’m actually surprised that he found the time. He’s been so busy trying to outmaneuver Trump for 2024. I see you, Ron. I see you, player. Yeah. I’ve seen what you’ve been doing, blaming Trump for the lockdowns, distancing yourself from the vaccines that Trump created with his own two hands. (58:28)
“Nobody knew how to make vaccines until I made them, beautiful, beautiful vaccines. Nobody know how, not even Fauci.” But Ron is playing it coy, man. He won’t even tell people if he got the booster. Or as they say in Florida, don’t ask, don’t tell. Am I right? I see you, Ron. You see, what I like about Ron DeSantis is if Trump was the original Terminator, DeSantis is the T-1000. You’re smarter than him. You’re slicker than him. You can walk down ramps. Because, you see, Trump said he won the election, but everyone was just able to look at the numbers and see that he was wrong. (59:15)
That’s why Ron DeSantis is one step ahead. First, you ban the math textbooks, then nobody knows how to count the votes. Boom, my man. Ha ha ha. What a room. Are you kidding me? The great chef, José Andrés, is joining us here tonight. Give it up for him, people, my good friend in the room. Whenever there’s a disaster anywhere in the world, Chef José is there, which I guess is why he’s sitting at the CNN table tonight.
(59:50)
Now, of course, the real reason that it’s such an honor to be here tonight is that we all get to be in the same room as the most powerful man in the United States. So let’s give it up for Joe Manchin, everybody. Where is he? Is he there? Good to see you, sir. Good to see you. No, for real, for real though, Mr. President, thank you for being here. Thank you for having me here. I was a little confused about why me, but then I was told that you get your highest approval ratings when a biracial African guy is standing next to you.
(01:00:17)
“So let me just say, Joe, I’m glad that I could do my part and, hopefully, this will work.” I’m not actually him. I just did the voice. More importantly, First Lady, Dr. Jill Biden is here, everybody. Give it up for her. Interesting fact, even as First Lady, Dr. Biden continued her teaching career. the first time a presidential spouse has ever done so, ever. Congratulations. Now, you might think it’s because she loves teaching so much, but it’s actually because she’s still paying off her student debt. I’m sorry about that, Jill. Yeah, I guess you should have voted for Bernie. (01:01:08)
Sir, can I just say? I think everyone will agree that it’s actually nice to, once again, have a president who’s not afraid to come to the White House Correspondents Dinner and hear jokes about himself. I’ll be honest. I’ll be honest. I’ll be honest. If you didn’t come, I totally would have understood because these people have been so hard on you, which I don’t get. I really don’t. I think ever since you’ve come into office, things are really looking up. Gas is up. Rent is up. Food is up. Everything.
(01:01:41)
No, it really has been a tough first year for you, Mr. President. Surely, you must be a little worried about 2024. There’s a lot of passion on the Republican side. There really is. It’s going to be an interesting time. As you all know, President Biden’s lack of a filter does get him into hot water sometimes. Last month he caused a huge international incident saying that Vladimir Putin should be removed from power. It was very, very upsetting to Russia. Until someone explained to them that none of the stuff Biden wants actually gets done.
(01:02:25)
But despite some hiccups, President Biden has led the country through some really dark times since he took office, the COVID pandemic, the war in Ukraine, the launch of CNN+. Don’t forget. Don’t forget. Don’t forget. He’s also had some major legislative successes in his first year in office, I might add. He got a bipartisan infrastructure bill passed that would do everything from fixing America’s roads and bridges to modernizing school buses, which Matt Gaetz’ girlfriend is very excited about. Don’t boo love.
(01:03:00)
Don’t boo love. Not to mention no President in my memory has given more marginalized groups opportunities. I’m talking about women, the LGBTQ community, the Taliban, the list goes on and on. And I know, Mr. President, that the left is super upset at you, but I think that they should be happy to know that you just recently announced that you’re proposing a new 20% minimum tax on the super wealthy. And I will say President Biden, that you are a big man here, a really big man. You could have targeted Donald Trump, but instead you chose to only raise taxes on billionaires. That was big of you. Really nice. Proved me wrong. Show me the taxes.(01:03:44)
Personally, I think that President Biden could do a better job of taking credit for the things that are going right. Unemployment is currently at 3.6%. Think about that people, 3.6%. 2% if you don’t count the Cuomo family. And I will say, President Biden came into office and he’s done well and he’s done badly. And in this room, I know there’s a lot of mixed reviews. There was a lot of talk about how the President really respects the press, but what has he really done for you guys? Think of all the journalists whose careers have been hurt by the Biden presidency. People like Daniel Dale. Used to be CNN’s star fact checker on TV every day. But, now there’s barely anything to check.(01:04:26)
Same for Glen Kessler of the Washington Post. On the way here, I saw him on the street offering four Pinocchios for a dollar. Mr. President, that’s on you.
(01:04:34)
And what about Maggie Haberman? For four years, it was exclusives. On the Russia investigation, corruption. The President doesn’t read his daily briefings. On and on. Now look at her. She spends all day fighting with random people on Twitter like a common political reporter. You’ve ruined her Mr. President.
(01:04:59)
Now, of course, President Biden doesn’t often have to deal with the media directly. Yes. That task falls to Press Secretary Jen Psaki. Yes. Glad you could make it tonight. Really glad you could make it tonight, Jen. It’s nice that you’re willing to come over here and risk getting COVID for like what? The 10th time now? Let me ask, how do you keep getting COVID, Jen? Your boss hooked us all up with free tests. Does he not have your address? Going on there?
(01:05:26)
The word on the streets is actually that Jen Psaki is going to MSNBC next month. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Apparently, just being on CSPAN, the ratings were too high and she wanted more of a challenge. Wanted switch things up. She can’t laugh at that. Don’t put the camera on her. If it’s true, congratulations to Jen on your big career change. But, moving to MSNBC is going to be a big switch up for you because right now your current job is to make the Biden administration look as good as possible at all costs. Now, you’re going to be at MSNBC and you’re going to have to… You’ll be fine actually. Sorry.
(01:05:59)
I don’t even know why I apologize. By the way, MSNBC, can I just say you guys are doing great work? Yeah. I love watching your shows. When Trump was in office, your shows were all about how bad he was. And now that Biden’s in office, your shows are all about how bad Trump was. Consistency is important. We appreciate that. We really do.
(01:06:20)
Also, shout out to Joe and Mika. Yeah. I love you guys. Most adorable HR violation in town. I love it. So adorable. What? And that’s why we’re really here people. We’re here to honor the media. Yeah. So, first and foremost, let’s give it up for the White House press pool. Let’s give it up for them please.
(01:06:40)
You guys are relentless. Every day you show up and every day you demand answers on the pressing issues of the day. And then Fox News asks about Hunter Biden. And I’ll be honest though. I actually think that’s a good thing. I really do. I think people need to be held accountable if they’re using their dad’s name to get ahead in life. And I can’t think of anyone better to ask about that than Peter Doocy. Yeah. Wherever he is. Chris Wallace laughed at that joke.
(01:07:18)
But, you see the real purpose of tonight is to honor some of the country’s best political journalists. People like Abby Philip. [inaudible 01:07:24]. Right. And Mick Mulvaney. I actually get why CBS hired Mick Mulvaney. I get it. He’s more than just the guy who assured everyone that Donald Trump would concede gracefully. No, he can also get you access to other people who assured you that Donald Trump would concede very gracefully. It’s very important.
(01:07:45)
So, shout out to CBS, my corporate cousin. You can actually find us on Paramount Plus. Yes. Right between SpongeBob Squarepants and a bunch of movies that even Delta’s in-flight entertainment system turned down.
(01:07:55)
But, I don’t want to dwell on that. I don’t want to dwell on Mick Mulvaney. When we have so many other great journalists here tonight. We got Anderson Cooper in the house, man. We got Rachel Maddow. We got Don Lemon. We got Shepherd Smith. And so many other huge talents who can no longer be mentioned in Florida public schools. I see you Rhonda [inaudible 01:08:12]. What’s going on, baby? Oh man.
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