こんな時英語でなんていうの？コミュのwritingの質問です

英語を勉強しているのですが、writingが苦手なので自分でお題を決めていろいろ書いています。この前外人の方に見せたら次のような指摘をされました。（ちなみにこの文章のお題はパトスかエトスかロゴスのうちどれかひとつが使われているCMを二つ選んで説明するというものです）

?：we,our,usなどの第三者の名詞やIは使わないほうが良い。
?：Controlling　Ideaが無い＝Thesisが短すぎる。
?：?、?、?の文は英語ではこういう表現はしない。
?：引用が多すぎるからもっとparaphrazeしたほうがいい。

本文
We always watch TV, internet or magazine commercials without thinking deeply about them. But there are various strategies that are used in commercials. Two commercials featuring ZOTRIM Diet Supplement and DHC Skin Care Lotion used ‘logos.’ Logos means persuading by the use of reasoning, evidence or concrete numbers and that is an appeal is based on making a person’s life better or easier. ZOTRIM advertised “This is 100% natural!” and “10 million people are using this! “ These messages arouse people’s interest and encourage people to buy it by representing concrete number. DHC Skin Care Lotion also used ‘logos.’ In the commercial two girls advertised “?This product is No.1 sales in all over the world!” and introduced success voice of users. ?These messages mean almost people use this lotion and they can get clear and smooth skin like users if they use it. ?Almost people who watched these logical commercials will buy these products, because the more there are evidence, reason, or concrete number, the easier people believe. This strategy used in both ZOTRIM Diet Supplement and DHC Skin Care Lotion appealed to logic or reason and whip up their interest or emotion by showing good parts of the products with concrete number, evidence, and results of survey.

よろしくおねがいします。