Maybe a strange topic, but curious about your thoughts.
In the US it is very common for men and women to hang out together as friends only. Usually it is just casual and not thought of as a date if a guy and girl who are only friends meet for dinner or a movie. But in Japan I often hear that asking a female friend to dinner or a movies is equal to asking her for a date. So I am wondering if this is a real difference in culture or just a misinterpretation.
So I have some questions.
1. If a guy asks a female friend to a movie, is it considered a date? And why?
2. Do you think a guy and girl can spent time together as only friends?
3. If a girl has a boyfriend is it still ok for her to spend time with her male friends? And if so, what limits do you think there should be. Same question for a guy who has a girlfriend.
I'm curious to see the answers from both Japanese and foreign points of view. Thanks for reading and answering.
In the US it is very common for men and women to hang out together as friends only. Usually it is just casual and not thought of as a date if a guy and girl who are only friends meet for dinner or a movie. But in Japan I often hear that asking a female friend to dinner or a movies is equal to asking her for a date. So I am wondering if this is a real difference in culture or just a misinterpretation.
So I have some questions.
1. If a guy asks a female friend to a movie, is it considered a date? And why?
2. Do you think a guy and girl can spent time together as only friends?
3. If a girl has a boyfriend is it still ok for her to spend time with her male friends? And if so, what limits do you think there should be. Same question for a guy who has a girlfriend.
I'm curious to see the answers from both Japanese and foreign points of view. Thanks for reading and answering.
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コメント(42)
Thanks for the replies so far. I'll offer my opinion too.
1. No it isn't a date unless he asks her out on a date. I went to movies with friends in the US all the time and it never caused any confusion.
2. Yes. I have great long term female friends that I trust and value. We know the rational limits of our connection and their partners are ok with our friendship and often end up being good friends too. I think this is very healthy.
3. I honestly think this is beneficial both ways. My female friends have always been a great source of advice in addressing issues and also can give a guy a lot of insight to how girls think. I agree that there are limits to what is ok. No kissing, holding hands or other romantic things. Hugging is fine (I'm from an art community, if you can avoid hugs from your frineds you must be a lepper.) And I believe that the average guy is safer spending time with his female friends than out with the boys. Female friends most often respect your relationship ties more than his guy friends, especially if they are single.
1. No it isn't a date unless he asks her out on a date. I went to movies with friends in the US all the time and it never caused any confusion.
2. Yes. I have great long term female friends that I trust and value. We know the rational limits of our connection and their partners are ok with our friendship and often end up being good friends too. I think this is very healthy.
3. I honestly think this is beneficial both ways. My female friends have always been a great source of advice in addressing issues and also can give a guy a lot of insight to how girls think. I agree that there are limits to what is ok. No kissing, holding hands or other romantic things. Hugging is fine (I'm from an art community, if you can avoid hugs from your frineds you must be a lepper.) And I believe that the average guy is safer spending time with his female friends than out with the boys. Female friends most often respect your relationship ties more than his guy friends, especially if they are single.
>1. If a guy asks a female friend to a movie, is it considered a date? And why?
i think it is when the guy pays for both. A guy never pays for a guy, you know. (unless he is a gay.)
>2. Do you think a guy and girl can spent time together as only friends?
yes. That's happening a lot. It means man-woman relationship as human, not as sexual trade.
>3. If a girl has a boyfriend is it still ok for her to spend time with her male friends?
it's not OK if it's not OK. It should be totally free.
>And if so, what limits do you think there should be. Same question for a guy who has a girlfriend.
again, it should be totally free. AIDS protection is a must, though. Hopefully you should know if the friend you are having sex with is AIDS free, of course, including yourself.
i think it is when the guy pays for both. A guy never pays for a guy, you know. (unless he is a gay.)
>2. Do you think a guy and girl can spent time together as only friends?
yes. That's happening a lot. It means man-woman relationship as human, not as sexual trade.
>3. If a girl has a boyfriend is it still ok for her to spend time with her male friends?
it's not OK if it's not OK. It should be totally free.
>And if so, what limits do you think there should be. Same question for a guy who has a girlfriend.
again, it should be totally free. AIDS protection is a must, though. Hopefully you should know if the friend you are having sex with is AIDS free, of course, including yourself.
men and women can be friends as long as there is no attractive from either side. If there is then its not just a friendly encounter. These friendships in my opinion either have to end in both becoming a couple or the end of the friendship because there is no way the person who likes the other person can remain friends with someone they love when the love isnt returned.
Could you imagine loving someone, who doesnt love you and then hearing them tell you that they met someone or they like someone else, or seeing them with someone else,, it would kill me and thats why its so hard to be friends with ex girlfriends.
Could you imagine loving someone, who doesnt love you and then hearing them tell you that they met someone or they like someone else, or seeing them with someone else,, it would kill me and thats why its so hard to be friends with ex girlfriends.
"i think it is when the guy pays for both. A guy never pays for a guy, you know. (unless he is a gay.)"
----What? My friends and I regularly pay for one another. If I happen to get to the register first Id buy my friends ticket. Its just natural. One guy in our group doesnt and everyone just thinks hes a cheap bastard.
Personally I dont have any girls who are simply friends. I have tried a few times with bad results, usually on her side of the fence.
It seems women I might be intellectually interested in fall for me, and women who are interested in "friendship" with me only dislike me romantically for some reason they can usually identify clearly to me ie. they are not interested in my hobbies or whatever.
I mean, I havnt experienced a situation in which a man and woman became close friends and DIDNT move forward for no reason.
----What? My friends and I regularly pay for one another. If I happen to get to the register first Id buy my friends ticket. Its just natural. One guy in our group doesnt and everyone just thinks hes a cheap bastard.
Personally I dont have any girls who are simply friends. I have tried a few times with bad results, usually on her side of the fence.
It seems women I might be intellectually interested in fall for me, and women who are interested in "friendship" with me only dislike me romantically for some reason they can usually identify clearly to me ie. they are not interested in my hobbies or whatever.
I mean, I havnt experienced a situation in which a man and woman became close friends and DIDNT move forward for no reason.
I had some female friends in Japan for awhile, but no (Japanese) girl I ever dated was ever comfortable with me meeting them. Maybe its just me, but I don't see a whole lot of male/female Japanese couples that are friends only. I don't think its completely unheard of, but it seems like the norm is if a guy and a girl go out somewhere together, its like a date.
1. Not necessarily. But the movie sucks as a date anyway - there are far better date activities than the movie.
2. Sure, so long as one isn't attracted to the other.
3. I think its kind of healthy for people in a relationship to have friends of the opposite sex. I remember once, I was having an argument with an ex, and to take a time-out I met with a female friend. I told the friend about the argument, and the friend was able to explain my ex's POV. Talking directly to the ex, we'd both get heated and we wanted to get our point across and we weren't listening to each other. But I was able to listen to the female friend's POV and then understand my ex's. Like, if I just go to my guy friends, they pretty much just agree with me, which makes me feel good, but doesn't help the argument any.
So I think it can be beneficial, but then you gotta be careful where you draw lines and what not.
1. Not necessarily. But the movie sucks as a date anyway - there are far better date activities than the movie.
2. Sure, so long as one isn't attracted to the other.
3. I think its kind of healthy for people in a relationship to have friends of the opposite sex. I remember once, I was having an argument with an ex, and to take a time-out I met with a female friend. I told the friend about the argument, and the friend was able to explain my ex's POV. Talking directly to the ex, we'd both get heated and we wanted to get our point across and we weren't listening to each other. But I was able to listen to the female friend's POV and then understand my ex's. Like, if I just go to my guy friends, they pretty much just agree with me, which makes me feel good, but doesn't help the argument any.
So I think it can be beneficial, but then you gotta be careful where you draw lines and what not.
>>"i think it is when the guy pays for both. A guy never pays for a guy, you know. (unless he is a gay.)"
>What? My friends and I regularly pay for one another. If I happen to get to the register first Id buy my friends ticket. Its just natural.
ah, that could happen. It depends on how your relationship goes among your friends, like a local rule, and of course depends on your income and the price. A Bill Gates doesn't have to bother about it much.
>One guy in our group doesnt and everyone just thinks hes a cheap bastard.
well, i am. I've heard most Germans are. i'm a Japanese though. But when you call a friend a cheap bastard, that only means each one should pay evenly in the long run anyway. So why not do it from the start?
>What? My friends and I regularly pay for one another. If I happen to get to the register first Id buy my friends ticket. Its just natural.
ah, that could happen. It depends on how your relationship goes among your friends, like a local rule, and of course depends on your income and the price. A Bill Gates doesn't have to bother about it much.
>One guy in our group doesnt and everyone just thinks hes a cheap bastard.
well, i am. I've heard most Germans are. i'm a Japanese though. But when you call a friend a cheap bastard, that only means each one should pay evenly in the long run anyway. So why not do it from the start?
It always starts out innocent. The guy could have a girl friend or a wife and the girl could have a boy friend or a husband, but somewhere along the way things always end up getting complicated for at least one of the two. Thats when trouble starts. Its highly unlikely that neither person is attracted to the other. It might not be a physical attraction at first. They just like each others personalities or whatever. Just hanging out enjoying the others company. Thats how it starts. The next thing you know one of them is vulnerable for whatever reason. Hormones, too many beers, physical contact by mistake, and than wham! Whatever gap was keeping their relationship innocent is bridged. I am not saying that it must end up this way, I am just saying that it is very possible. I think its impossible for a man to forget that a women is a women no matter how much they try to just be friends unless there is a really huge age difference.
TokyoOG, very well said! You have my agreement.
ジェット・ジャンキー, one doesn't need to be "looking" for something to be found. I agree with you that a guy paying for another guy is acceptable among straight (non-gay) men. I often pay for my friends, especially if going out to eat was my idea. My manners teach me that if I invite anyone to anything, then I will expect to pay unless stated otherwise. This doesn't mean that I'll fight to pay the bill at all times. It just means that if nothing was said by the time the bill arrives, then I'll take care of it.
I am American, living in America.
ジェット・ジャンキー, one doesn't need to be "looking" for something to be found. I agree with you that a guy paying for another guy is acceptable among straight (non-gay) men. I often pay for my friends, especially if going out to eat was my idea. My manners teach me that if I invite anyone to anything, then I will expect to pay unless stated otherwise. This doesn't mean that I'll fight to pay the bill at all times. It just means that if nothing was said by the time the bill arrives, then I'll take care of it.
I am American, living in America.
I'm Japanese female from Tokyo currently in Kyoto.
1. I don't think so.
I'll simply consider that he likes me as a friend...
If he take my hand during the show, then maybe !
2. I have spent so much time with my male-friends,
and I know I ain't the only girl among my friends doing so. But I also know that sometimes even my good friends feel like doing something to me when we are alone, but as long as we consider each other as good friends, nothing happens. I also find my male-friends attractive.
3. Limit! For me limit is simple and clear:
Date-purpose hang out
Date-purpose hug
Date-purpose kiss
1. I don't think so.
I'll simply consider that he likes me as a friend...
If he take my hand during the show, then maybe !
2. I have spent so much time with my male-friends,
and I know I ain't the only girl among my friends doing so. But I also know that sometimes even my good friends feel like doing something to me when we are alone, but as long as we consider each other as good friends, nothing happens. I also find my male-friends attractive.
3. Limit! For me limit is simple and clear:
Date-purpose hang out
Date-purpose hug
Date-purpose kiss
I have a lot of friends of opposite sex.
It shops with them, and meal is said to eating.
Friendship with opposite sex's friend doesn't collapse though it does even if there is a boyfriend because it esteems each other as a friend.
Friend..difference..physical contact..provide..think.
I think that going to the movie with opposite sex is a sense where it goes not the date but the friend and to play.
It shops with them, and meal is said to eating.
Friendship with opposite sex's friend doesn't collapse though it does even if there is a boyfriend because it esteems each other as a friend.
Friend..difference..physical contact..provide..think.
I think that going to the movie with opposite sex is a sense where it goes not the date but the friend and to play.
ジェット・ジャンキー、
>To address アキラ＠今, you're Japanese, but you say that guys paying for other guys makes them gay?
No. i mean only in one on one date situation. I have never asked a guy out for a movie. It's just weird. Guys paying for other guys arn't always gay, of course.
frosttang,
you are Dutch. In English there is this expression " goig Dutch" meaning each person pays for himself. Is this a custom of your country?
>To address アキラ＠今, you're Japanese, but you say that guys paying for other guys makes them gay?
No. i mean only in one on one date situation. I have never asked a guy out for a movie. It's just weird. Guys paying for other guys arn't always gay, of course.
frosttang,
you are Dutch. In English there is this expression " goig Dutch" meaning each person pays for himself. Is this a custom of your country?
A guy and a gurl can be just very good friends if they do not meet too often.
Physically meeting once in a while is real kewl , but Meeting too often will lead to the following.
More than the guy , the gal will start getting attached emotionally first (irrespective of her having a boyfriend/married) , use the guy's shoulders for crying and then you know ...it happens , howmuch ever you try to avoid it.
Physically meeting once in a while is real kewl , but Meeting too often will lead to the following.
More than the guy , the gal will start getting attached emotionally first (irrespective of her having a boyfriend/married) , use the guy's shoulders for crying and then you know ...it happens , howmuch ever you try to avoid it.
26> I'm not quite sure what you mean by meeting too much.
As for the second part, girls emotionally attach to all their friends. That doesn't mean she's going to fall in love with a guy because he lets her cry on his shoulder, so don't think women are that silly or out of control of their emotions.
As for the second part, girls emotionally attach to all their friends. That doesn't mean she's going to fall in love with a guy because he lets her cry on his shoulder, so don't think women are that silly or out of control of their emotions.
1. Not really a date, it also depends if your guy friend is gay. Cuz there is no way my gay friends are trying to get down my pants ;P. But most of the time you just wont to see the same movie and you end up going.
2.Yep! Well if he does not look at your boobs all day.
3. Ya, why would you get rid of friends just cuz you have a boyfriend? Well what they were like before. It’s not like anything has changed between you and them.
2.Yep! Well if he does not look at your boobs all day.
3. Ya, why would you get rid of friends just cuz you have a boyfriend? Well what they were like before. It’s not like anything has changed between you and them.
27>"That doesn't mean she's going to fall in love with a guy because he lets her cry on his shoulder"
no offense ...but never said that the gal is going to fall in love..meant that it leads to sex most of the times ..and if you are saying gals have sex with only the guys they luv, a reality check is required. As they say Women need a reason to have sex, guys just need a place.
no offense ...but never said that the gal is going to fall in love..meant that it leads to sex most of the times ..and if you are saying gals have sex with only the guys they luv, a reality check is required. As they say Women need a reason to have sex, guys just need a place.
I ask my male friends easily.... Japanese, Korean, Australian, etc.. to go out with me sometimes... (just for information, I'm a girl..) I don't care as long as we're out as friends and I get use with this. I never call this a date.
I love hanging out with boy(s)...
Never call this a date.... unless we hold hands, do something like a couple does... or when we really call it a date.
I was so upset when my male friend from work to me out, and we spent the whole day together, and the next day he told evreyone at work that he had a date with me. I never want to go out with him anymore!!!
Another thing made me very very upset was.... my new male friend asked me out, I went out with him.. almost everyday for 5days, I didnt feel anything, I thought he would be my good friend.......but he asked me to do "something stupid" with him. Pervert!!!!
This kind of friend is also wrong
And.. bout ur question, if u go out with somebody's lover (as friends), why not?? As long her/his lover is OK with it
I love hanging out with boy(s)...
Never call this a date.... unless we hold hands, do something like a couple does... or when we really call it a date.
I was so upset when my male friend from work to me out, and we spent the whole day together, and the next day he told evreyone at work that he had a date with me. I never want to go out with him anymore!!!
Another thing made me very very upset was.... my new male friend asked me out, I went out with him.. almost everyday for 5days, I didnt feel anything, I thought he would be my good friend.......but he asked me to do "something stupid" with him. Pervert!!!!
This kind of friend is also wrong
And.. bout ur question, if u go out with somebody's lover (as friends), why not?? As long her/his lover is OK with it
not so common in Japan as that in the states as u may know. it's da cultural difference in general.
oh,i'm a Japanese guy,btw.
well,i do have girl frds as a friend,and we spend some time chillin,havin dinner,going for a drive,etc. we enjoy that even though we have our own partners.
i guess that ppl in most of Asian countries feel kinda awkward abt the friendship btw male and felmale. that is their culture,and that's that.
i belive it's so okay and real cool that male and female can be best frds each other.
oh,i'm a Japanese guy,btw.
well,i do have girl frds as a friend,and we spend some time chillin,havin dinner,going for a drive,etc. we enjoy that even though we have our own partners.
i guess that ppl in most of Asian countries feel kinda awkward abt the friendship btw male and felmale. that is their culture,and that's that.
i belive it's so okay and real cool that male and female can be best frds each other.
My opinion is:
Q1&2 are YES, Q3 is depends on how my boyfriend think of that.
I really believed Q1&2's answer is YES, but now I am not sure...
These days, some of my male friends asked me out. Just for drinking. I had a very good time with them, but actually they showed some interests to me... They are v nice and sweet, but I really wanna stay as just friends.(They are not Japanese)
One of them is my language exchange partner, he told me he likes me, but at the moment I still love my ex so that I turned him down. He said that's fine for him and wants to stay friends. But I feel guilty and uncomfortable... He is v nice but actually not my type... i really wanna stay friends, but because of the reason, I am thinking to quit the language exchange with him...
Q1&2 are YES, Q3 is depends on how my boyfriend think of that.
I really believed Q1&2's answer is YES, but now I am not sure...
These days, some of my male friends asked me out. Just for drinking. I had a very good time with them, but actually they showed some interests to me... They are v nice and sweet, but I really wanna stay as just friends.(They are not Japanese)
One of them is my language exchange partner, he told me he likes me, but at the moment I still love my ex so that I turned him down. He said that's fine for him and wants to stay friends. But I feel guilty and uncomfortable... He is v nice but actually not my type... i really wanna stay friends, but because of the reason, I am thinking to quit the language exchange with him...
31: x'ty This is the perfect example of a tease. Like I said, most guys can not forget that a women is a sexual object if he is attracted to her, even if he respects her and knows that she thinks of him as only her friend. It`s only natural for men to be sexually attracted to "suitable" women that fall within a certain age range. I think most girls know this even if they don`t want to admit it. And the guys that keep saying only weak people fall into that love trap are just being naive or trying to appear to be better than all other men that unfortunately slip sometimes and let their dicks think for them. Hormones are real and can bypass common sense if the conditions are right. Even if you never intended for it to happen. That is not a sign of weakness or immaturity. Its a sign of being human. Even Priests sometime give in to temptation. They can hardly be considered weak or immature. Girls please just face it. From the time you reach 15 until you are are wrinkled and no longer attractive, guys as a rule will want to have sex with you. If they didn`t I am sure you would also have problems with that as well.
>TokyoOG
You are right....
when I lived in my country (Indonesia), it never happen to me. It probably because my country still have a "not open" tradition... if you know what mean. It's so different in Australia or other countries. I'm more confortable here, coz I can walk with anyone, any men without someone being missunderstand of something (like what will happen in my country easily). But, yeah.. the point is.... I need to admit that men have "that kind" of feeling to women (wait a min.. who says it's only men?? Women do too, hahaa..
)
Anyway, I learnt that
Thanks, mate!
You are right....
when I lived in my country (Indonesia), it never happen to me. It probably because my country still have a "not open" tradition... if you know what mean. It's so different in Australia or other countries. I'm more confortable here, coz I can walk with anyone, any men without someone being missunderstand of something (like what will happen in my country easily). But, yeah.. the point is.... I need to admit that men have "that kind" of feeling to women (wait a min.. who says it's only men?? Women do too, hahaa..
)
Anyway, I learnt that
Thanks, mate!
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