This is kind of for Japanese people but other foreigner's impressions are welcome. In Japan, is there really a concept of "using people" and if so is it seen as a bad thing? For example, trying to be friends with someone only because they have something you want. Like, let's say one guy has this girl he really likes and knows that this other guy is friends with her, so in order to get closer to the girl he tries to be friends with the guy. Now to the other guy his motivation is obvious, he's not truly interesting in being friends with him because of who he is, but because of his relaitonship to the girl. Now my question is whether or not this is considered a really bad thing in Japan? In the States I think it is considered quite rude and many Americans would be turned off by it. But it seems like in Japan on the surface a lot of this "using people" is going on, but I've never heard anybody complain about it, or express their annoyance with someone for that. So if it is not a big deal I'd like to know why. Like is it because even though this person may not be interested in you as a person, helping them out in this way will put them in debt to you.. kind of like a trade off relationship.. which I get the feeling is common in Japan. Anyhow, what does everybody think?
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コメント(32)
I don't think Japanese people express opinions as
openly as Americans, but Americans tend to be the
most straight up when it comes to expressing a view.
Australians tend to hold back more than Americans
as well.
I don't think Japanese use people any more than
any other cultural group. There are certainly a
lot of misunderstandings and maybe your perception
comes from one of them.
In the circumstance you described, in America it's not necessarily considered rude, but it would be pointed out and talked about if it was obvious someone was doing that. It's considered 'tacky' or 'lame', maybe even 'sleezy'.
But a lot times in America we have what is called a "wingman" where if a guy sees a girl he likes or whatever, a friend will go over and talk but with the intention of getting the girl over to his friend. That's usually when guys are picking up women who are strangers, lol. Kind of different circumstances, but similar.
But a lot times in America we have what is called a "wingman" where if a guy sees a girl he likes or whatever, a friend will go over and talk but with the intention of getting the girl over to his friend. That's usually when guys are picking up women who are strangers, lol. Kind of different circumstances, but similar.
Sergio> that is not my point of this question. I'm simply asking what Japanese people think of that kind of situation. You guys seem to want to make this into a debate, or compare Americans to Japanese or something and that is not what I'm asking. I'm sorry if you are reading into that way but that is not what this is about.
>> I've seen quite a few Americans (and other
>> Westerners too) who are trying to
Americans/Westerners in Japan by no means represent the American/Western population in general. :)
Back to Andy's question, yes, as a Japanese I loathe the idea of using people to your advantage. I'd much rather be used by someone else than be on the offensive side of the deal.
>> Westerners too) who are trying to
Americans/Westerners in Japan by no means represent the American/Western population in general. :)
Back to Andy's question, yes, as a Japanese I loathe the idea of using people to your advantage. I'd much rather be used by someone else than be on the offensive side of the deal.
I think it depends on a person how he or she reacts once he/she knew your true reason why you want to make friends first.
For example, how about this case? You want to have a girl friend, so you think first of all, I'm one of your friends already (I'm a girl, but still you could ask me to introduce someone for you, of course, to a man, if I am a man, too) You might ask this question.
But if I'm not a friend of yours then suddenly you suggest to me to become friends each other, hiding your real aim, that is, you really need a girlfriend who I might be able to introduce, then I could read your mind somehow, then...well..., if I know someone here, still I don't mind doing this for your favour.
But if the matter is something with the money, for example, you need to borrow some money from your friend, it's a different story.
So, overall, maybe if not so serious things, people don't so much mind doing or helping for you. And I don't think people actually say you're using people only for your sake or aim for yourself.
Am I answering OK to your question????
Sorry if my comment was out of focus...
good luck!!
For example, how about this case? You want to have a girl friend, so you think first of all, I'm one of your friends already (I'm a girl, but still you could ask me to introduce someone for you, of course, to a man, if I am a man, too) You might ask this question.
But if I'm not a friend of yours then suddenly you suggest to me to become friends each other, hiding your real aim, that is, you really need a girlfriend who I might be able to introduce, then I could read your mind somehow, then...well..., if I know someone here, still I don't mind doing this for your favour.
But if the matter is something with the money, for example, you need to borrow some money from your friend, it's a different story.
So, overall, maybe if not so serious things, people don't so much mind doing or helping for you. And I don't think people actually say you're using people only for your sake or aim for yourself.
Am I answering OK to your question????
Sorry if my comment was out of focus...
good luck!!
>Andy
I guess itt just depends on how you approach people. Well, I guess in Japan and Asian societies in general, there is this "give and take" rule. If you want something, you have to give something back. But personally, If I feel someone is approaching me just because he/she wants to take advantage of me in some way, I don't take them seriously. Hope I helped answering your question.
I guess itt just depends on how you approach people. Well, I guess in Japan and Asian societies in general, there is this "give and take" rule. If you want something, you have to give something back. But personally, If I feel someone is approaching me just because he/she wants to take advantage of me in some way, I don't take them seriously. Hope I helped answering your question.
Sergio,
>> Well, I guess in Japan and Asian societies in
>> general, there is this "give and take" rule.
On the other hand, they say 「情けは人の為ならず」, or "A kindness is never lost." I take it to mean you're supposed to be kind enough to offer help whenever possible, because it will eventually come back to you. I know it sounds a bit too idealistic, but that's how I try to live my life.
>> Well, I guess in Japan and Asian societies in
>> general, there is this "give and take" rule.
On the other hand, they say 「情けは人の為ならず」, or "A kindness is never lost." I take it to mean you're supposed to be kind enough to offer help whenever possible, because it will eventually come back to you. I know it sounds a bit too idealistic, but that's how I try to live my life.
As to Andy's question: I've noticed something similar (a lax attitude to *possibly* utilitarian, opportunistic interaction with people), but do not really understand the phenomena either.
as to:
">In the States I think it is considered quite rude and many Americans would be turned off by it."
Actually, i think you understate it. Such a thing is often considered *at least* rude, but many will take it as despicable. Some of it has to do with what social circles one is in, as well as where they live. For example, such 'using' of people will be tolerated more in Los Angeles, than in other cities, even in the same state. And, again, the social circle in question is really key: if among those with high aspirations for social mobility--such a thing is normative. In other social circles, hated.
as to:
">In the States I think it is considered quite rude and many Americans would be turned off by it."
Actually, i think you understate it. Such a thing is often considered *at least* rude, but many will take it as despicable. Some of it has to do with what social circles one is in, as well as where they live. For example, such 'using' of people will be tolerated more in Los Angeles, than in other cities, even in the same state. And, again, the social circle in question is really key: if among those with high aspirations for social mobility--such a thing is normative. In other social circles, hated.
Hi, I'm Japanese.
I don't think it's bad for you to ask someone to introduce his/her female friend to you.
But if you continue to pretend to be friendly with him/her, hiding your true motive,
I think it’s dishonest. The person would be disappointed at you for hiding the truth.
Some people don’t mind using other people for their own benefits, but I don’t think
they are the majority.
I don't think it's bad for you to ask someone to introduce his/her female friend to you.
But if you continue to pretend to be friendly with him/her, hiding your true motive,
I think it’s dishonest. The person would be disappointed at you for hiding the truth.
Some people don’t mind using other people for their own benefits, but I don’t think
they are the majority.
21>
I agree.
Singling out Japanese people as being the only race of human beings on the planet who "use" others? ...hrmph.
No offense, but usually the kind of people who "get used" are the naive sort who are prone to being used. Needless to say, it's wise avoid people who use use use and give nothing back, AKA "selfish people".
I never had any problems finding a good conversation partner when I was in Japan... I was even fortunate enough to find some people to practice not only my (poor) Japanese, but someone to practice my (poor) Mandarin with.
I agree.
Singling out Japanese people as being the only race of human beings on the planet who "use" others? ...hrmph.
No offense, but usually the kind of people who "get used" are the naive sort who are prone to being used. Needless to say, it's wise avoid people who use use use and give nothing back, AKA "selfish people".
I never had any problems finding a good conversation partner when I was in Japan... I was even fortunate enough to find some people to practice not only my (poor) Japanese, but someone to practice my (poor) Mandarin with.
Prodigalson> ahh yet another person who clearly did not even read what I wrote.... Let me explain it again.. or you could maybe just actually read what I wrote.. but then you'd have to scroll all the way up there. So I'll save you the trouble. I'm simple asking about how the concept of using people is viewed in Japanese society.... so please don't make statements that sound like I want to debate the morality of Japanese people as a "society of users" or anything else moronic like that. I know how argument happy this community is so lets steer clear of commenting about things that were not even said. Thanks
As a Japanese I can tell you that people are turned off by it in Japan, as well.... You might not see it, but they feel the same way in Japan. They might not be showing it to you, out of being a "Japanese.: They may seem to be OK, but I always think of being honest and sincere to people, irrespective of the nationality. And, it works for me, and the poeople around me!
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