IELTS Writing /SpeakingコミュのQuestion & Sample Answer NO6

In the past the people used to make clothes and doing repairs on things in the house more than nowadays. This is caused for many aspects that are present in our days like the quantity of other activities available to do,the difference in jobs and in lifestyle.
When in the past days the people finished their workday,it was still early and they had not too many other activities to do, so they spended their free time doing some of the repairs.While,in the other hand most of the women used to make clothes.
Nowaday is bigger the number of women that works,in addition to that,the work normally longer and more stressing for everybody,so the people is getting used to live as fast as possible.
Another element that is pushing to this situation is that as the people is having less and less time for a hobby,any hobby will require more and more time.Because everyting that you want to try to repair is more technical and complicated than before,and to do some repair the people almost have to be a qualified technician.
On top of all that the tradition is being lost because the people learn the traditions when they are young and from their parents,but nowadays the young people have too many distractions and hobbies like sports,going to shopping malls,video games,computers,cinema,amusement parks,e-mail and chat rooms,instead od spending their free time with their parents.

This situation is happening in the entire world,and it's caused in part by the globalisation and the advance of the technology in the home.

So the situation is that when the people need more knowledge to their hobbies,they have less time to acquire it because of their work.And that to transmit the traditions to other generations the adults need the young's people attention which they don't have because of new distractions the youngs have.

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above sample answer witten by a candidate who achieved a Band 6 score.Here is the examiner's comment:

The writing focuses on the first question but does not adress the second one directly.The candidate loses marks for this.
However,the writer's point of view is clear and there are some relevant ideas that are communicated effectively. Ideas are generally supported,and argument is organised with some clear linking,although paragraphing is not always used appropriately.
A fairly wide range of language is attempted with mixed success.There are some good idiomatic expressions and some accurate complex sentences,but the writer misuses quite basic words and grammatical structures as well.The errors are quite frequent,but writer's message can still be followed throughout the response.