if i could make u laugh, it should be my pleasure.
have a good afternoon.
David finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.
"Not on her best day," he replied.
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"
"No, she's broke."
"Well, then, is it sex?"
"Nobody does it like you, babe."
"Then what can she do that I can't?"
"Sue me for child support."
have a good afternoon.
David finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.
"Not on her best day," he replied.
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"
"No, she's broke."
"Well, then, is it sex?"
"Nobody does it like you, babe."
"Then what can she do that I can't?"
"Sue me for child support."
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コメント(20)
Snow in Tokyo today.
Keep urself warm, and don't catch a cold.
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I' m 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. !
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
" I promise I won' t." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
Keep urself warm, and don't catch a cold.
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I' m 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. !
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
" I promise I won' t." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
WHY AM I MARRIED?
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his
wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then,
it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says,
"My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to
forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray
for Strength I'll just beat him to death"
AND NOW FOR THE
FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they
find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit
onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as
he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece
of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me
crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his
wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then,
it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says,
"My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to
forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray
for Strength I'll just beat him to death"
AND NOW FOR THE
FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they
find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit
onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as
he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece
of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me
crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."
The wife came home early to find her husband making love to a beautiful,
sexy young woman.
"You unfaithful, disrespectful jerk! What are you doing? How dare you do
this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this
house and I want a divorce!"
The husband, replied, "Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least
listen to what happened."'
"It'll be the last thing I will hear from you so make it fast, you cheating
creep."
"While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so
defenceless that I went ahead and allowed her into my car. I noticed she was
very thin, not well dressed and dirty. She mentioned she had not eaten for
three days. Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the
enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're
afraid you'll gain more weight. When I served them to her, the poor young
thing, practically inhaled them.
Since she was dirty I asked her if she'd like to bathe. While she was
showering, I noticed her clothes were worn-out and full of holes so I threw
them away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you
no longer wear because they're too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse
that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have
good taste.
I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't
wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought
at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your
co-worker wearing the same pair.
After she dressed, I walked the young woman to the door where she turned
around and with tears of gratitude streaming down her cheeks, she asked me,
"Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use.....!!!!!"
sexy young woman.
"You unfaithful, disrespectful jerk! What are you doing? How dare you do
this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this
house and I want a divorce!"
The husband, replied, "Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least
listen to what happened."'
"It'll be the last thing I will hear from you so make it fast, you cheating
creep."
"While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so
defenceless that I went ahead and allowed her into my car. I noticed she was
very thin, not well dressed and dirty. She mentioned she had not eaten for
three days. Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the
enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're
afraid you'll gain more weight. When I served them to her, the poor young
thing, practically inhaled them.
Since she was dirty I asked her if she'd like to bathe. While she was
showering, I noticed her clothes were worn-out and full of holes so I threw
them away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you
no longer wear because they're too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse
that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have
good taste.
I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't
wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought
at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your
co-worker wearing the same pair.
After she dressed, I walked the young woman to the door where she turned
around and with tears of gratitude streaming down her cheeks, she asked me,
"Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use.....!!!!!"
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting
into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet
dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a
woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying,
"Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night,
I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said,
"Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings.
Let me tell you... she was so excited.
She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me, because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said,
"That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said,
"I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,
"No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
"WHAT?"
I then said,
"Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch
knows I'm smarter than her.
into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet
dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a
woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying,
"Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night,
I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said,
"Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings.
Let me tell you... she was so excited.
She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me, because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said,
"That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said,
"I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,
"No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
"WHAT?"
I then said,
"Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch
knows I'm smarter than her.
Real advertisement in a newspaper:
"SELLING FULL SET OF ENCYCLOPEDIAS! - Hardly used. No longer needed, married, wife knows everything".
--------
Three men died in a car crash and went to heaven. At the gates of heaven they told that they were all good enough to come in, but some had been unfaithful to their wifes, and they would be punished for it. Heaven is a big place, so everyone gets given a car to ride around in, but if you were unfaithful you get a worse car. The first man had cheated on his wife one time, so he was given a Volvo.
The second man had cheated on his wife three times, so he was given a skoda.
The third man had been faithful to his wife all his life, and he was given a ferrari!
He was feeling pretty good about it.
Sometime later, his buddys saw him looking down. They came over and asked him what was wrong.
He said "I just saw my wife.. she was riding a skateboard!"
-------------------
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
----------------
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.
------------
Someone stole my credit card, but i didn't report it, he doesnt spend as much as my wife!
----------
Marriage is like going to a restaurant with your friends. You order what you want, but when you see what your friend has you wish you ordered that
---------
A IT Geek was complaining to his wife that she inefficient and illogical. "It would be a lot better if you were like my computer!" he said.
She replied "It's impossible, i don't accept 3 1/2" floppys".
(if you don't understand this joke, learn more about pcs!)
"SELLING FULL SET OF ENCYCLOPEDIAS! - Hardly used. No longer needed, married, wife knows everything".
--------
Three men died in a car crash and went to heaven. At the gates of heaven they told that they were all good enough to come in, but some had been unfaithful to their wifes, and they would be punished for it. Heaven is a big place, so everyone gets given a car to ride around in, but if you were unfaithful you get a worse car. The first man had cheated on his wife one time, so he was given a Volvo.
The second man had cheated on his wife three times, so he was given a skoda.
The third man had been faithful to his wife all his life, and he was given a ferrari!
He was feeling pretty good about it.
Sometime later, his buddys saw him looking down. They came over and asked him what was wrong.
He said "I just saw my wife.. she was riding a skateboard!"
-------------------
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
----------------
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.
------------
Someone stole my credit card, but i didn't report it, he doesnt spend as much as my wife!
----------
Marriage is like going to a restaurant with your friends. You order what you want, but when you see what your friend has you wish you ordered that
---------
A IT Geek was complaining to his wife that she inefficient and illogical. "It would be a lot better if you were like my computer!" he said.
She replied "It's impossible, i don't accept 3 1/2" floppys".
(if you don't understand this joke, learn more about pcs!)
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