CPIT JapaneseコミュのThe Zen of Essay Writing

I am the Anti-Henk, reaper of lost souls.

Soooo.... you have to write an essay for Henk? Poor you. There is one major problem with this whole idea, and that is the fact that Henk is a very intelligent man. The greatest vice of the intelligent man is that he expects others to perform at a level that he himself thinks of as easy.

You have been told to keep in constant contact with your advisor, right? Try things out and check them the teacher to see if you are on the right track... Unfortunately it doesn't work like that because Henk will always say you are wrong – and if you are very lucky he may even tell you why; but he will never, ever, tell you how to fix it.

You see what he wants to do is help you think by yourself. The thing he doesn't realize is that he wants you to think like him, which is never going to happen.

Let me give you an analogy. Henk has told you to repair a cycle tyre – something you have never done before. If you spent a long time just looking at the tyre you will realize that it cannot be fixed from the outside. Henk could have told you this right from the start but he is using the "teach a man to fish" philosophy – if you work it out for yourself you will be able to deal with other similar tasks easily because you apply a mindset that helps you work out the problem. So, we proceed to remove the tyre from the rim. It takes several attempts to realize that we will need special tools to get the tyre off so we go to Henk and ask him and he gives us a screwdriver – but what he doesn't tell us is that we will probably put further holes in the inner tube if we are not aware of what is inside a tyre. This again is a "Henk Lesson". Once we accidentally re-puncture the tube, we will always take care not to do it in the future.

The above analogy could go on endlessly but the point is: no matter how much Henk appears to be helping, he always leaves traps open for you to fall into later. Just when we think we have done the repair correctly, we re-puncture the tube as we put it back into the tyre and then unknowingly give it to Henk for marking. HE WANTS YOU TO FAIL. Not because he is a bastard, but because he wants you to learn a lesson. The only problem with this is there will be students in the class who have already learnt to repair a tyre and they know the tricks. And, I'll tell you this much for free: I'd be fucked if I'd wanna tell you the tricks. The smartypants in the class know that the more low scores there are in the class overall, the higher their own score will appear – and they may even get graded up.

While I am sure that learning a lesson is great for you – if you are like me you would prefer to get your lessons elsewhere (like when arm wrestling chicks). Fuck lessons; I want a good mark.

So where do we start? (remember that this is all meant to be in the order of how it should be done.)

Your topic choice is going to be one of the single biggest factors that will lead to your success or failure. If you have chosen a stupid topic and it is giving you headaches drop it and pick a new one. NEVER NEVER think you can make crap shine like a diamond. Plus, if you going about changing your topic the right way it will actually make you look smarter because you are aware of your limitations. That is our biggest priority: TO LOOK SMART. Intelligent people are aware of the fact that they don't know everything – be humble in your approach to the topic and in the way you write about it. Honestly dude, no one cares what you think, they only want to see that you understand.

On to picking a topic...

1. Choose a topic, any topic, and make it broad. If there isn’t a Wikipedia page with that topic heading then you are setting yourself up for failure and heartache.

2. OK now find info on the topic. Choose any source that gives a good overview, this could be Wikipedia or Kondansha or a good book that you know of. Read it, and I mean read it all. Did you understand everything? No? Then pick a different topic.

3. Now we are working with a topic we understand. Make a list of the five most important points about your topic (This is a crucial step, make sure you get it right).

Say we have picked Samurai (I have next to no knowledge on this topic - that's why I picked it as an example). The five points we may select are:
a. Class system
b. Ethics
c. Weaponry
d. Swordsmanship
e. Fashion/clothing

4. OK, now it's time to sharpen it up a bit (this is the originality bit they harp on about - take note it's not really original - remember: they don't care what you think). Pick what you think the most important out of the five above is and brake it down into five further parts. I'm going to go with "Swordsmanship"

a. Zen Buddhist influences on Samurai Swordsmanship
b. Rules for use of sword - storage, etiquette when with guests, etc.
c. Spiritual aspects of sword handling
d. Practical training for sword play
e. Selling/purchasing swords.

5. Now you can pick one of these and break it down further. Keep doing this until you can't go any further, then use the last 5 categories you come to as the separate paragraphs of the main body of your essay. With the title you can add another few qualifiers if you are sure that it wont make it too hard to research. So we come to: "Samurai and the Etiquette of Sword Handling in the Edo Period". Cool name, huh? not that it really matters, what matters is that you have something that you know you will be able to write on.

6. Unfortunately Henk has decided to do everything all ass about face so now instead of working on the main body of the essay like we should we need to hand in a whole lot of stuff that you couldn't actually know until you have written the essay. So, now we need to go back to our resources. This is a great time to see Henk, cos he knows lots and we have a specific question to ask so it will be hard for him to dodge us. Ask what we thinks are the best resources for your title. Make sure he gives you some info here because if you use what he tells you to he will mark you higher. Also ask around and search the net. Googling will be easy cos you can just put in your title name.

7. Now you have resources read them! I really mean it – read them! Try to get the resources in a format so you can hold them in your hand, it's much easier than possibly losing it to the ether online or a PC failure. Take 2 pieces of refill and write all the info you need for your referencing system at the top of the page for each resource you are going to use. Remember at this point it's still OK to be looking at Wiki, we will hide our tracks later. As you are reading the book make a note of each thing you come across that may be used as a quote. When you find something write the page no. on your refill and indicate where it was on the page - you think you will remember but you wont - I like to use a system like "4/5" to indicate that it was 4/5ths of the way down the page from the top. At the end of each chapter write the chapter name, what pages it was (ie. 67-123) and a very brief summary.

8. Now write your Proposal. Use one or two references in text to say why your topic is interesting - this must be what someone else said (Repeat after me: they don't care what you think). Then say how you are going to write it (find a pretty way to say that you are going to read three books and lie about the rest of your references). Don't worry too much about this. Just write a page of crap and if he doesn't like it he will tell you to rewrite. Badger him enough and he will tell you what was wrong.

9. DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT A SURVEY. If you think changing a cycle tyre is hard, try a truck wheel. Anyone who attempts a survey is either a genius or a moron. It will only be a lot of hard work and there is absolutely no guarantee that it will help your grade one iota.

10. Write the book review. Ask how many books to write on, and do exactly that or one less if you are lazy - it won't make a big impact. Think what the main overall point of the each book was and write a very small summary including authors name, title, and year. Then say what the best thing about the book was, then say the worst (be specific about parts of the books and exact things that are said inside - if you over paraphrase they will think that you are thinking for yourself - it’s better to over quote), then say how applicable it is to the essay you want to write. This can be a tricky part of the project because ideally you write your opinion, but remember folks, that's right say loud: They don't care what you think. You need to try and write a critique of the good and bad points of the book without making it look like it is your own opinion. Sometimes I go to amazon, find the book and look at the reviews for it. If the review writer is someone famous or works at a famous Uni you could quote them. Don’t use this one too often though unless you can find links to the original source where they made the comment about the book. You wont get away with more than one or two refs to Amazon (you may not get away with any - use digression, only famous scholars should be used)

11. All things going well you should be ready to start the main body of your essay now. Always use the same set up for each paragraph, give a basic overview of the topic, say something positive, then something negative, then conclude it by saying that it is or isn’t important in looking at the overall picture.

12. Use notes EVERYWHERE. If Henk will let you use footnotes then use them, they are far more professional looking. After you write anything that seems as though you are thinking for yourself, reassure them that it was actually someone else that said it. Put the cursor at the end of the sentence, after the full stop, then go to the Insert tab in the tool bar, go to Reference, go to Footnote... and click on Insert. Hopefully it is set to standard and the cursor will move to a spot at the bottom of the page. Then use APA formatting to say who discussed this topic, in what book, on what page or pages (ie. Smith, R. (1978). Samurai and Armwrestling Chicks. London: Dildo Press Ltd. p. 34-36). BTW be careful here that that formatting was an example I don't use APA personally so I don't remember the exact order for the info. The footnote numbers that appear in the text can be deleted by highlighting them and deleting: the note at the bottom of the page will go too. You can also move them by cutting and pasting. The note will move to whatever page the superscript number is on. Also, get the referencing correct! It's a pain in the ass, but you get good marks for almost zero brainwork. If you are unsure go to Henk, and say this: "Look you bastard, don't give me any shit, just tell me if the referencing is done right or I will kick your ass, and don't say a fucking word unless it's going to actually help me get more fucking marks on this God-forsaken piece of shit essay you are forcing me to write" (Or words to take effect).

13. Write the conclusion (I can't be fucked typing anymore. If you found the other stuff of help and you want more I might do it later.)

14. Write the Introduction (I mean it do it last then you will know exactly what it is you are introducing. BE HONEST about what you are doing. They think you are stupid anyway, if you agree with them it will make them happy.

PS. Fuck there's so much I want to write but I can't bothered anymore. ABOUT Wiki: Use it for all your info and base your essay on it. Then hide the fact by finding all of the same info in respectable publications (the footnotes in Wiki are very helpful for this) and referencing your work to it. THIS IS NOT PLAGARISM. It is being smart. You referenced all the right people so no one gets hurt. It's a victimless crime.

Anyway, I hope you bastards appreciate this. If not, I'm going to armwrestle your arm right off, and you wont be getting any nos.